My Life Before Knowing Jesus

I was born into an ordinary family in Jiangxi Province, China, and enjoyed a wonderful childhood with loving parents and doting relatives. I got married in 1995, and our daughter was born the following year. Our marriage and family life started off well enough, but cracks soon began to surface and accumulate over time, for neither my now ex-husband nor I knew how to build and maintain a healthy marriage. He was frequently absent from home for his work and I also had a job–a situation that made it more and more difficult for us to look after our daughter. Eventually, we left her in the care of her grandparents.

During those difficult days, life increasingly felt burdensome, hopeless, and meaningless. Three questions weighed heavily on my heart:

  1. Where do we come from? Where are we going? What is the ultimate purpose of human existence?

  2. Why should people strive to be good? Good people eat, drink, and die; bad people also eat, drink, and die. If the end is the same for everyone, why bother being good?

  3. People of different backgrounds and cultures have different moral standards, and these standards often change. Is there a supreme and unchanging standard of morality in this world?

Desperate for answers, I searched everywhere. I visited many Buddhist temples and read countless books, yet I still couldn’t uncover the origin or purpose of life. I was overwhelmed by sorrow and helplessness. I often wondered: if I don’t even know why I’m alive, what meaning could anything else in the world possibly hold for me? And if I can’t find happiness for myself, how could I ever bring happiness to my child?

In 2000, my beloved father passed away suddenly from a brain hemorrhage. He was a good man, someone who had helped many people throughout his life—and yet, just like that, he was gone. Meanwhile, corrupt and immoral people seemed to live long and comfortable lives. I couldn’t make sense of it. Why be a good person? This question deeply tormented me.

Two years later, my marriage fell apart. I resented my husband for being an absentee father and letting our daughter grow up like a fatherless child. Consumed by bitterness and pain, I insisted on a divorce. At the time, our daughter was only six years old. After the divorce, she stayed with her grandparents. Everyone was hurting and resentful.  I sank deeper into despair, still unable to find the answers to life’s most pressing questions.

My First Exposure to the Bible

In September 2003, while I was living in Shanghai, my friend Amanda invited me to a gathering at someone’s home on a Saturday afternoon.  About twenty people had come and the host had laid out a variety of snacks to welcome us.  As I curiously looked around, my eyes were suddenly drawn to a stack of thick, identical books neatly arranged on the coffee table near the sofa.  Instantly, my heart began pounding—I felt both nervous and excited. I wanted to get closer to the books, but for some reason, I also felt a strange fear. I didn’t understand why I was reacting this way. What kind of book is this? Why am I so drawn to it, yet afraid to touch it?

I stood there for a long moment, then timidly approached someone and pointed to the books. “May I touch one of those?” I asked. The person immediately stood up and said, “Of course! Go ahead.” He walked over with me, picked up one of the books, and handed it to me. “This is the Bible,” he said. “You’re welcome to read it.”

That was the very first time I had ever held a Bible in my life. I carefully took it in my hands and opened it. The very first passage my eyes fell upon contains these words:

“Our Father in heaven,
 Hallowed be your name.
 Your kingdom come,
 Your will be done,
 On earth as it is in heaven.
 Give us today our daily bread.
 Forgive us our debts,
 As we forgive our debtors.
 And lead us not into temptation,
 But deliver us from evil.
 For yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever. Amen.”

As I read the passage, the words washed over me like a stream of living water pouring down from above, flowing from my head to my feet. In that moment, my heart opened, and a beam of light seemed to shine into my soul. I turned to the people around me and exclaimed with joy, “I’ve found it! I’ve found it!”

They asked, “What did you find?”

I replied with excitement, “I’ve found what I’ve been searching for all this time! Look at these words—they aren’t from this earth. They must have come from heaven. No human heart could have written something like this—this has to be from above!”

Someone nearby, astonished, asked, “Wow, you really feel that way?”

I said, “Yes! Absolutely! These words must be from heaven. Can I buy a copy of this incredible book?”

Someone answered, “You don’t need to buy it—we’ll give you one.”

But I insisted, “No, no. This book is far too precious. I must pay for it.”

Still, in the end, they gave me the Bible as a gift.

That day, I went home filled with joy, clutching the Bible tightly in my arms. The whole world seemed so utterly changed—suddenly, everything around me was full of beauty and hope. It was amazing. The passage I had read was the Lord’s Prayer from Matthew 6:9–13. I loved it so much that I copied it onto little slips of paper and shared it with others, telling them how beautiful it was.

I thank God with all my heart for allowing me to receive His Word—what indescribable joy!

Repentance, Accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord, and Becoming a Child of God

From that moment on, I couldn’t stop reading the Bible. I started from Genesis 1, and as I read about God’s creation—how He made man and woman, and how marriage began—I finally understood the origin of life and everything in the world. It all flows from the love of our Heavenly Father. I was deeply moved by that love and often found myself reading through tears of gratitude.

When I came to the story of Noah—how human wickedness had filled the earth, how violence was everywhere, and how God’s heart was grieved—I wept along with Him in sorrow.

Day by day, I experienced God’s presence through His Word and felt His deep love for me. The next Saturday, I returned to the gathering at the home of Amanda’s friend. Under the guidance of the group leader, I prayed along to accept Jesus as my personal Savior. Later, I found out that the group was part of the “Alpha Course,” a gospel program that originated from the Anglican Church in the UK. I felt incredibly honored to have received such grace.

In the days that followed, I devoured the Bible like a starving person. I had left my job and spent nearly all my time at home, except on weekends when I went to church. I stocked up on steamed buns and rarely went out or cooked—I just spent my days immersed in Scripture and talking with my Heavenly Father about everything. I was filled with peace and joy.

When I read Exodus chapter 20, where God gave the Ten Commandments to Moses, I was overwhelmed with fear. My whole body trembled, and I couldn’t keep reading. I realized that I had broken every one of God’s commandments. I saw how terrible my sins were—I felt like I deserved to be stoned many times over. In terror, I turned to the New Testament and searched for Jesus. When I read how He had mercy on sinners and forgave them, I felt that He had forgiven me too.

When I read the first and second commandments—“You shall have no other gods before me” and “You shall not make for yourself an image or bow down to them”—I immediately got up and cleared my home of every idol. I threw away all books related to idol worship. If something could be burned, I burned it; if it could be smashed, I smashed it.

At the same time, I cut off all ungodly relationships.

In just three months, I had read the entire Bible from beginning to end. Through God’s Word, I came to know the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit—and how wonderful and mighty they are. I learned that God created man and woman in His image, gave us the gift of marriage, and blessed us to be fruitful and multiply, to fill the earth and steward it. I also read about how a fallen angel, trying to exalt itself to be like God, became the devil—God’s enemy—who deceives, steals, destroys, and kills. But in the end, the devil will be thrown into the lake of burning sulfur.

Thanks be to God! Thanks be to our Lord Jesus Christ, who destroyed the one who holds the power of death—the devil! The Son of God appeared to destroy the works of the devil. Hallelujah, praise the Lord!

I used to wonder why we should be good—why not just be bad? But through reading Scripture, I now understand: we must fear God and keep His commandments—this is our duty. As Hebrews 9:27 says, “... people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgment.” Death is not the end. We will all stand before the living God. Revelation 20:11–15 tell us that the dead will be judged according to what they have done, and that “Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire.”

I thank God for saving me. Through the precious blood of Jesus, my sins have been washed away. I’ve been made new—a child of the living God!

Later, I wrote to my daughter’s father and my former in-laws. I told them I had come to believe in the Lord. I confessed that I had committed many sins—not only against God, but also against them—and I sincerely apologized, asking for their forgiveness. By God’s grace, our relationships began to heal.

Just as the Bible says:
 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”  2 Corinthians 5:17

May God bless you as He has blessed me. Amen.